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Dave

Greetings. My story begins in the latter half of the twentieth century when, like so many of my generation, I was conceived in a hurried bout of unemotional intercourse behind the drum riser at an Emerson Lake & Palmer concert. My father, an alcoholic drum tech and drug smuggler, was never to be seen again and my mother, who played orchestral bass drum for the royal philharmonic, struggled through a difficult pregnancy alone. 

I was born unexpectedly early during a visit to the Evans drum head factory and slipped from the womb onto the smooth surface of an Evans Strata concert bass drum skin; my improvised cradle for my first few months of life was the shell of a vintage Premier bass drum. It was thus inevitable that I grew up to play the accordion and it was after a sell out gig with my popular folk ensemble, “The Car Park Potatoes”, that, at the tender age of thirty two, I was kidnapped and transported to Guatemala where I was sold into slavery.
The trauma of this incident stripped me of my accordion playing ability and I took up playing spoons for the few coins I could scrounge as a busker. 

 

Dave and his drum kit


It was during Peter and the Test Tube Babies’ South American tour that they spotted me rattling out a samba rhythm on a soup spoon and ladle combination and, noticing that I am hideously ugly, they offered me a place in the band in order that they might appear more handsome as their twilight years approach. I thank the band for their kindness and the change they have brought about in my tragic existence.

 

Cave Man Davex

 

 


MORE DRUM CHAT WITH CAVEMAN DAVE O’BRIEN

 

Hello and welcome to the latest update of “Drumchat” where all percussive matters come under the working drummers’ microscope.

This time I intend to pay close attention to the snare drum, the heart of the rock drum kit and the item deserving the closest attention of the dedicated sticksman. Remember, in the average pop or rock recording the snare is perhaps the loudest instrument in the mix, marking the time, setting the pace for the dancing feet of the listeners and up there with the vocal in the defining of the song.

With these facts in mind the budding drummer should set out to choose a snare drum at the top of his personal budget in order to make sure that he is able to mark out a cracking signature sound that prospective employers will find hard to ignore; choosing a shell that bears a badge trusted by generations of musicians is a vital first step on this career path, consider top end ranges of makes such as Pearl, Premier, Ludwig, DW etc. etc. A popular name does not necessarily mean a quality product however, I mean if you go and look at the book shelves in your local town you’ll soon find that this is the case…..fucking celebrity fucking memoirs and ghost written poxy biographies about low life cunts who were never fit to draw breath adorn the shelves of every WH Smith and bargain bucket literary shitpit in any town centre you care to wade through.

Now don’t get me wrong, I once came to the conclusion that literature could be divided into two categories: Non fiction and Bullshit. However, I have re-evaluated my small minded opinions and come to understand that the telling of a rollicking tale, fresh from the over active mind of a great story teller is a work of art whereas the boasting of a sickening celebrity cunt is the easiest outpouring of self congratulation a mindless braggart could ever commit to print. Looking around a modern bookshop makes me realise that the celebrity biography is the smothering of decent literature, the rape of great art, the replacement of ideas with the idea that if something mundane happened to a famous person it somehow gains merit. Does it fuck.

 

 

I still devour with great relish the biographies of airmen of the first and second world wars as I am amazed that people could have lived through such times. Whatever you think of the moralities of the campaigns of bomber command in the forties, the true stories of the time make better reading than some fucking pop star wondering what shade of fucking whale fat to smear over her stupid fucking face or where to sit at some back slapping awards ceremony where a bunch of narcissistic layabouts congratulate each other on spending most of their lives doing fucking nothing and then getting a fucking ghost writer to write about the fucking life they were too coked up to even notice didn’t happen around them. Autobiography???? The lazy, literature strangling celeb cunts.

I read the “Book of Dave” by imaginative author Will Self lately and was impressed by his amazing ability to create a world which, although non existent, draws the reader in and sets a scene in which a separate reality, sense of humour and set of rules engage the reader. Imagine if Self or, indeed Shakespeare wrote only of their self indulgent lifestyles and the friends they slapped on the back…..if every Tom Dick and Harry just wrote shite like that the world would be a boring place.

So, last week I headed for the publishers with my biography: “Skin tight percussion……a life of flabby backbeats” hoping to secure a deal that would set me up for retirement.

“Piss off with yer load of boring shite” enunciated the witty publicist, “Might have printed it if it were written by Oggs but you’re just some two bit tin pot piss poor wanker” And so I shall remain without a book deal. Devastated with this rejection I went into a nearby restaurant to cheer myself up. Although I am normally a vegetarian I decided to order Cock au vin and when it came I tucked in with gusto. Blazing shockwaves burst across my tongue as I realised how hot the food was, it scalded my mouth and I left without paying. In that state of despondency the last thing I needed was a mouth full of hot cock.

So, tub thumping readers, that is my advice with regard to the hazardous world of snares. I hope these words of wisdom are of assistance and please read next time when other vital aspects of drumming will be addressed.

CAVEMAN DAVE.

Hatemail???? daveflatpig@genie.co.uk

Hatemale?? ……a good name for a lesbian punk band

 


Last Updated October 2010

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